CASE 1

I asked Alvin the other day if it would be alright to include another story about a not so closely related relative of his on the blog. He said he would get back to me. In anticipation of a positive response I wrote up the ordeal and sat on it. It must have stuck to my butt and when I went outside it blew off and away, lost forever. When Alvin reluctantly gave me the go ahead to publish I couldn’t find the copy anywhere. I queried the kids, ‘A’ and ‘J’, and Mama ‘C’ and no one recalled ever hearing about it. So I had to do the research and rewrite the thesis all over again. Thanks Alvin’s, for your hesitation.

 By the way, I also asked Alvin if he had seen Baby Alex recently and he said no. The wife hasn’t seen ‘It’ for several days. I just hope Alvin didn’t eat ‘It’. I didn’t see any hide in the corners of his mouth.

 If you see ‘Big Bird’ flying around a dream home you’re interested in purchasing in a very nice gated community, don’t do it!!!!! Ironically, a couple of snowbirds were duped by a bird-brained realtor down South in Ft.Meyers, a suburb of Everglades National Park. The manbird portion of the buying team raised a concern about all the birds flying around a house they were considering purchasing for retirement. ‘The birds only come around vacant houses and when they become owner occupied they stay away’ they were told. ‘Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha’ the proud new owner said recently!!!

Black vultures are not closely enough related to what we all know as turkey buzzards (red heads) to produce vuzzards or buztures. Buzzards are mostly solitary, fend for themselves and roost in dead trees. Both species are carrion feeders and are quite content eating a dead skunk or armadillo in the middle of the road.

Black vultures generally travel in packs, herds or flocks; your choice. The vultures in question roost wherever they choose; on the roof, on the deck, in the yard, on the fence, in the dead tree and on the SUV. They leave feathers and BS every where they go.

May I digress please? Thank you!

My friend and Grand Jury colleague, Roy Roseville, does not like or appreciate texting shortcuts, acronyms or the likes thereof, so I will translate for him. Roy, the ‘B’ stands for bird.

May I regress please? Thank you!

The real knee slapper here is that the black vulture is on the endangered species list and federally protected by the one and only Attorney General of the United States, Eric Holder; known stooge for B. O.  I believe he was recently caught prevaricating about his involvement in the Fast n’ Furious program, in which guns were sold to Mexicans that were used to kill Border Patrol agents. The same guy would put your mother in jail for doing what he had a hand in doing to agents and you for doing to vultures squatting on your house and car.

Consequently, there are no NVT (Nuisance Vulture Trappers) or VRA (Vulture Relocation Agents) to assist the snowbirds. The only options are, and the snowbirds have tried them all:

1). shoo them off by clapping hands and stomping feet

2). Place spikes and whirligigs on the roof

3). string fishing line back and forth across the deck             

4). install motion detectors that emit a high pitched screeching noise

The humanoids have spent $400 on scare off supplies and tactics to no avail. The only accomplishment listed so far is the birds appear to have been trained not to land on the deck while the owner is standing or sitting on it!!

May I digress please? Thank you!

In my younger days growing up on the family farm in Southern Arizona and even in graduate school at Oklahoma State, we tried to scare off birds eating grain and rabbits eating young cotton seedlings in our test plots, with a contraption like the one below. They are more beautiful today but are most likely just as effective. The cannon is propelled by propane and has an igniter, a timer and a regulator that can be set to go off with a loud bang from 30 seconds to an hour; your choice. It works pretty well until the birds, bees, rabbits or anything else you are trying to chase off realize that the thing is a poor shot and not one death has occurred since it arrived. At that time the birds start roosting on it and the rabbits sleep in the shade generated by the contraption.

I was going to suggest that the snowbirds make an additional $300 investment and purchase a cannon, but figured the HOA (Home Owners Association) would find a way to out law the use within the gates of the community.

May I regress please? Thank You!

The leader of this 40-50 member gang is a burly dude named Vubba Vulture. It seems that Vubba was particularly perturbed by the snowbirds efforts to protect their property so he directed his subordinates to deposit as many droppings (BS) on the SUV as they could in an afternoon.

The owners cleaned up the vehicle and purchased a brand new form fitting canvas cover for the SUV. They then thought the situation had been remedied. Wrrooonnnnggggg!!! Vubba, now totally infuriated, instructed all the members to gather and they proceeded to rip the canvas to shreds in a short period of time. In the process they badly scratched all the paint on the hood and top with their talons.

A representative of the HOA said they could do nothing for the snowbirds but contacted the FFWC for a solution. The reporting biologist said the vultures were so destructive because they were probably bored, but offered no recreational plan to alleviate the situation. Another government expert said the birds could be attracted by food (Hmmmmm), just loafing (Hmmmmm) or just being birds (Hmmmmm). Sound like scientic conclusions to you?

And finally, a quoted possible solution from the USDA APHIS (Google it Roy). APHIS has found that hanging a taxidermy quality mount of a vulture upside down on the roof sometimes works well (Hmmmmm).

May I digress please? Thank you!

That sounds like a plan taken right out of a Native American play book. Or it could pass as hocus pocus or voo doo. But that’s just me!

May I regress please? Thank you!

The owner snowbirds will be coming back home from up North for the winter soon. The manbird recently said ‘I guess we will just have to live with them’.

May I digress please? Thank you!

I don’t know if the snowbirds knew about the ‘Transfer Disclosure Statement’ before they bought their dream dump, but I’m pretty sure they do now. Good luck selling it. It will probably be easiest to just pass it on to the kids and let them worry about it down the road. Maybe Vubba will father so many offspring that vultures will come off the endangered species list and a NVT will come into play. I don’t know if Tony Lama in El Paso can tan a vulture’s hide. If he can he might be interested. I’ll ask him the next time I see him.

Adios!

CASE 2

If you are ever confronted by a gator or croc, you must first decide whether to fight like a man (or woman) or run like a chicken. If you decide to chicken out, there are a few things to consider. Top speed for the aggressor is around 11 mph, but the short legged predator can’t keep that up for very long or far. If he isn’t gaining on you, you can take time to thumb your nose at him. If he is gaining on you, try zigging and zagging. He can’t change direction very fast or easy. I am assuming you are not running on water. If you are, you are in for a world of hurt. Lord have mercy!

If you are not in decent shape, the reptile is going to enjoy you more and you should pay attention to the next tip. If you are caught in the jaws, either on land or in the water, stay calm and don’t panic. That only gives the diner more confidence. Systematically poke the attacker in the eyes, nose or ears and hopefully he will spit you out, tuck tail and run before taking you into the under-water death roll. 

May I digress please? Thank you!

Roy, please pay special attention to the second paragraph.

Hurricane Isaac is long gone but is still causing a stink over on the Mississippi Gulf Coast. I thought you might be interested even though this has nothing to do with Alvin or any of his relatives. It seems that a couple, ‘Nuthaniel and Nukari Nutria’, started a family recently and it numbered 18,000 off spring, pre hurricane.

Nutria are semi aquatic swamp like rats, also called river rats. They are herbivores, the only member of its Family and an invasive species from South America. When Isaac left Mississippi, he left behind the 18,000 dead nutrias on beaches and floating in the water. Each and every one of them has the same beach address and  ACORN is registering them as democrats in time to vote in November.

When Hurricane Gustav, 2008, blew through it left behind a similar situation and many workers cleaning up the decaying mess got sick. Now the Mississippi Department of Environmental Quality has hired a contractor to collect the carcasses and dispose of them in a public landfill as garbage.

Nutria are known for their high quality pelts and are referred to as the ‘Guilt Free  Fur’ since the rodent is so despicable. Fine women’s hats and coats are made from the pelts but Tony in El Paso has no use for them. Since they are in rather poor condition, I recommended that the contractor contact the makers of UGG® Shoes and Boots. They are also pretty despicable, too. But that’s just me!

The only reason I put this story in stems from the fact that it gives me a chance to talk a little baseball. You see, the SF Giants are now 5 ½ games ahead, 28 games left, of the dreaded LA Dodgers. Dodger management tried to buy a championship, like the hated Yankees, when they acquired a majority of the Red Sox cast offs recently. Magic Johnson and Phil Mickelson, new owners, have more money than they know what to do with and are trying to show off.

What does this have to do with the river rats? Sacramento’s baseball team is the River Cats! Watch out rats! Actually, I can’t remember if ‘Cats’ are felines or fish. Who cares anyway? Well it seems ‘the dead rats in the middle of the beach’ are in Waveland, MS and the bleachers on the rooftops are across the street from Wrigley Field, on Waveland Avenue in Chicago. That is the home of the,  hexed by a billy goat, Chicago Cubs. Hmmmmm you say! But that’s another story!

Today is September 10 and is the son’s birthday. Last year when Jon turned 40 his wife Caroline put together a big deal party at one of the rooftop establishments. Tons of family, from both sides, and friends  showed up to slap Jon on the back and wish him well. He, by the way, enjoyed and savored it all. You can watch the game from the bleachers or inside on big screen TV’s, you decide. I don’t remember who the Cubbies played or who won, but who cares? But that’s just me!     Happy birthday, Jon!

All the burgers and dogs grilled to specification as you watch, beer or pop you can drink and desserts you can consume are included in the price of admission. Reservations are advised. The kid says the cost is as good as or better than across the street where you buy each thing individually and pay inflated MLB prices.

If you ever get a chance to go to a Cub’s game in Chicago, please consider the rooftop extravaganza; it is fun!!! Usually you can only trust me about as far as you can throw a bull by the tail, but this is the real deal!!! Trust me!!!

Go Giants! Zip boom bah! Buster Posey for President!

The two photos of Alvin; he is laying on the grass right at
the water line and his head is pointed toward the tree.
In Alex 6, a prima donna dragonfly flew in for some
publicity!

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Hors d’oeuvre

Mama arrived in Tampa from Abu Dhabi and got settled in before Tropical Storm Isaac rounded the corner through the Keys. I got out in the street and kept giving the NFL out of bounds signal and pushed him farther West. Sorry New Orleans! We and the Republican Convention in Tampa received very little discomfort. I’ve seen bigger blows on a good day and TS Debby deposited a lot more precipitation.

The daughter is doing fine after her surgery in Dubai, which is an hour from Abu Dhabi. She is now back in school teaching the young Emerati boys how to count their oil dollars instead of dirhams, one dirham = 27 cents.

Entree

Halleluiah, a new miniature version of ‘Young Alvin Alligator’ has emerged from our lake and can be seen shade bathing on our property in late afternoon on some days; all     1 ½ – 2 feet of ‘IT’. “From whence ‘It’ came, no one knows”. Please keep that on your mind. I have formally registered the newcomer baby ‘Alex Alligator’. Alex, being a generic nickname for either Alexandra or Alexander, as it got me off the hook for not being able to visually sex alligators. I know you get it, don’t you? Huh? When Baby Alex arrived, I thought I had misnamed Alvina, Alvin, so I decided to do a literature review, a scientific term for library study, to settle my inner dispute once and for all.

I’m warning you, there is more to this story, so buckle up!

May I digress please? Thank you!

‘Larry the Cable Guy’ hosted a reality show on the History Channel the last couple of seasons called ‘Only in America’, I think it was. In one or two episodes he hooked up with some swamp people somewhere and they taught him many things about gators, including how to sex one. You must realize that both male and female sex organs are internal so the technique involves turning the gator over on his/her back, locating the vent, which is a slit in the lower abdomen and inserting a couple of fingers, gloved or ungloved is your choice. If no obstruction is felt it is a female and if entry is obstructed it is a male. How ‘bout them apples? If you would like to give it a go, come on down; I’ll get my dog leash and collar out and harness up Baby Alex for a scientific experiment.

May I digress a little further, please? Thank you!

You may enjoy knowing that alligators mate in April and May, about 45 eggs are laid in a nest built by the female in June and July and the hatchlings emerge in August and September.  Males do not help out either before or after hatching. The baby gators are a whopping 6-8 inches long at birth and grow a foot a year.  Mothers care for their young until about age two, when she encourages them to vacate the house or gives them the boot. Not the Tony Lama kind of boot, needless to say. Both males and females become mature at 6 feet /6 years. You may recall that Young Alvin’s length was an estimated 4 feet or 4 years of age.

The nests are built in shallow marshy areas and are quite large, 6-8 feet long and 3 feet high. The things are made from mud, sticks and any suitable plant materials the female can find. After she lays the eggs she covers them up with more vegetative material and they start to incubate with the warmth from the sun and decaying organic matter.

I’m sorry but I must digress further or you will be left dangling and that will not be good. Thank you!

An alligator’s sex is not determined by genes, rather by temperature; ditto for crocs and turtles. Researchers have found that only females are hatched if the incubating egg temperature is 85°F or less, only males at 92° and above, and about equal numbers of boys and girls between 85° and 92°. Whew, I got that off my chest.

May I regress now, please? Thank you!

All the edges of our lake are sharp drop offs, mown grass growing right to the rim and water laps right up to the edge. There are no beaches, marshy areas or any suitable places to build a nest and further more, there are no constructed mounds in our lake. Right now is the time an egg laid this year would hatch. Remember, Baby Alex is a couple of feet long and ‘It’ just showed up. The eagle eyes of the wife and our friends, Pat and Bill, who know our lake better than I, would have spotted ‘It’ before now, other wise.

From whence ‘It’ came, no one knows”. I told you to keep it on your mind.

All of the information provided above substantiates my conclusions below:

1). Alvin is not Alex’s mother.

2). Alvin is not Alex’s father.

3). Alex was not hatched in our lake.

4). Alex was not hatched this year.

5). Alvin was not hatched in our lake.

6). Alvin could be Alvina but I am sticking to my storyline.

By the way, alligators have a variety of predators that enjoy feasting on eggs and young hatchlings. The number one dreaded and dreadful pest is the egg sucking masked bandito, Ramon Raccoon. Nearly 50% of nests and eggs are destroyed by Ramon and his clan. The wife and I used chicken eggs, in California, to lure koi eating coons into our traps. The county trapper from the Agricultural Commissioner’s office would pick up trapped coons, transport them to the county dog pound and euthanize them. Yeah!!! But that’s just me. In addition, snakes, otters, osprey, other alligators and hateful humans can be predators. Only 10% of a hatchling class will attend its first birthday party.

May I digress, please? Thank you!

My friend Ted speculated over his fried egg sandwich last Thursday at ‘The Broken Egg’ in Lakewood Ranch, FL, that Alex was hatched in a secluded marshy area nearby. There are wooded areas within the neighborhood that are unsuitable for houses and undeveloped. They most likely do contain areas suitable for alligator reproduction. Ted also theorized that Baby Alex was either given the boot and walked on ‘Its’ own to our lake or ‘Mama Alligator’ carried the kid on her back to our lake. Mama liked what she saw, kissed Baby Alex good bye and returned to ‘whence she came’!

So there, you now know “from whence ‘It’ came” and the rest of the story.

Undoubtedly I will get a call from Tony in El Paso since no product to tan or product to make was created by this opus!

Dessert

The pastry chef’s ingredient order did not come today. It is Labor Day, a holiday!

Well, it is Monday, 9 AM and the worst seems to be over. We have had bigger blows here on a good day than we had with Isaac. He is pretty much gone on his way to New Orleans with little to no wind or rain here, at least so far.

Mom has chewed me out more than once for preparations I made by moving pool furniture into the more or less protected corner of the lanai to keep it from blowing through the screens. It seems I messed up her ability to sit outside and enjoy the weather, until December when the season is over.

I have no experience with hurricanes at all, but her gut feeling said it wouldn’t amount to a hill of beans and we should wait until stuff started flying before we spent the effort to secure it. I was wrong, she was right as usual.

It also seems I may have made a huge mistake in naming Alvin. Mom has seen him numerous times since she returned from Abu Dhabi. She came in yesterday and asked me to come outside and look at something. I figured I had a ‘honey do’ project staring me in the face. But no, she pointed to a baby alligator lying on the grass between the lanai and the water. Maybe we have Alvina instead of Alvin. I am not changing my story line now, it would be too taxing.

Well folks, I guess it is about time for an ‘Alvin Alligator’ update. I have been holding off since nothing bad has happened to any of Alvin’s close relatives since the last report. As a matter of fact, my wife, Charlene has been in Abu Dhabi for 18 days caring for our daughter, Amanda, who had a planned surgery for this summer’s school break. The girl is doing fine, making a nice recovery and will be ready to teach those little Emirati boys English and math when school reconvenes. They must learn how to count their money before they grow up. The wife comes home Tuesday and will again be on the hunt for Alvin. He seems to be more responsive to her, probably because she doesn’t cuss him.

Since she left me here, alone, 18 days ago to fend for myself, I have not seen Alvin once. I heard a flop into the water one night about 10 days ago and suspect it was him but can’t verify that. If I see Young Alvin, I will tell him you asked how he was and I’m sure he will be delighted.

May I digress, please? Thank you!

You may or may not know that although alligators and crocodiles look quite similar, that is as far as it goes. They really are quite different. To be able to cross breed, two species must be in the same Genus, like the horse, donkey (ass) and zebra:

mare horse X jack ass = mule (which by the way are mostly sterile)

jenny ass X stud horse = hinny (Usually sterile)

horse X zebra = zorse (Usually sterile)

ass = donkey (fertile)

In addition to not being in the same Genus; the dudes are not even in the same Family. Therefore, they can’t produce an allodile or a crocogator. The only things that gators and crocs have in common are being Animals, Reptiles and are in the same Order (Crocodylia). That is all high cofluten terminology I had to learn on my way to earning a PhD in Entomology a long, long, long time ago at Oklahoma State. ‘Go Cowboys’.

And further more, alligators inhabit primarily fresh water and crocodiles go for salt and/or brackish water.

May I digress a little more, please? Thank you!

There are around 1 ½ million alligators in Florida, which is far too many in my opinion. They are doing so well that if one fouls up, like I have related previously, there is no relocation or rehabilitation program. He/she is reported to the NAT (Nuisance Alligator Trapper) and winds up as a pair of cowboy, cowgirl or cowkid boots in the Tony Lama showcase window in El Paso.

Now crocodiles are a horse with a different color. They are the ones with so many teeth, big too, that the lips don’t cover them all when the mouth is shut. Kind of reminds me of a college roommate’s girl friend. They have been on the endangered species list for years, since 1975 thanks to the environmentalists. There are presently only about 1500 crocs in the State, which seems like a few too many hundred to me. But that is only me. When one of those dudes/dudettes fouls up the State starts up the coddling program. That means the (CRA) Crocodile Response Agent is called and he will capture, scold and then relocate the scoundrel. The only way a croc winds up at Tony’s is if it becomes a carcass, unfortunately.

May I now regress? Thank you.

Recently one of Alvin’s distant relatives (as described above), ‘Cousin Crandall Crocodile’, caused a stink further downstate in the South Florida town of Key Largo. Crandall reportedly snatched a family pet dog, drowned it as they generally do and proceeded to eat it in front of the stunned pet owners. Locals chased ‘Cuz’ off and retrieved what was left of the canine carcass. As a result of Cousin Crandall’s behavior, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission found there was only one name on the CRA list in the South Florida Keys.  It has since placed employment ads around    for two to four CRA’s for the Keys.

The following is contained in the commission’s job description ad:

1). to handle human-crocodile conflicts; to include site visits, capture, translocation, carcass recovery and other duties as needed

2). experience is preferred but not necessary

3). learning to handle crocodiles is easy

4). training will be provided

5). part time position

6). $25.00 / hour

I say, ‘there may be good reasons why only one name appeared on the CRA list for the Keys’. But that’s only me thinking. Cousin Crandall Crocodile can take credit for creating two to four more jobs in Florida than Barack Obama.

I thought you might like to know what’s going on in the reptile world down here, even though Little Alvin had no direct connection.

May I digress again? Thank you!

A very distant Reptilian relative of Alvin’s, far removed ‘Cousin Pyeggy Python, of the Burmese variety, was recently captured and killed in the Florida Everglades. Pyeggy was 17’ 7” long, 12” in diameter and weighed 164.5 lbs. These non-native invasive creatures were probably originally illegal pets that were turned loose when they got big. No one knows how many reside in South Florida.

This girl set another record, also. An ovarbotomy was performed and 87 avocado sized eggs were found. Thank goodness the chain was broken before laying and hatching. As usual a stombotomy was performed and an abundance of feathers floated out. UF Ornithologists are attempting to key out the feathers to determine what species of bird was eaten. Like it really makes a huge difference. Get over it!

By the way, Tony flew into Orlando from El Paso and drove up to Gainesville in an attempt to purchase Pyeggy’s skin to take home and tan. He figured he could make at least 2, maybe 2 ½, pairs of boots / foot of skin. Needless to say , the absent minded professors at UF chose to mount and exhibit the beast in their museum. What a waste, but that’s just me.

Alvin tried to come in out of the rain this morning but I turned him away. It was too wet to get the leash and collar out for a walk. I can’t find out how much rain we have had out of this tropical storm, not a hurricane, but it has been 10” +. That is small compared to areas farther North. Alvin said, ‘enough already’ and asked again how you were doing!!! We have not had the big winds like farther North.

I forgot to note in my last ‘Alvin’ report that Uncle Albert only had three legs. After a little research, I concluded that is not uncommon at all amongst the Floridaalligator population and is by no means a record one would be proud to carry.