Well, it is Monday, 9 AM and the worst seems to be over. We have had bigger blows here on a good day than we had with Isaac. He is pretty much gone on his way to New Orleans with little to no wind or rain here, at least so far.

Mom has chewed me out more than once for preparations I made by moving pool furniture into the more or less protected corner of the lanai to keep it from blowing through the screens. It seems I messed up her ability to sit outside and enjoy the weather, until December when the season is over.

I have no experience with hurricanes at all, but her gut feeling said it wouldn’t amount to a hill of beans and we should wait until stuff started flying before we spent the effort to secure it. I was wrong, she was right as usual.

It also seems I may have made a huge mistake in naming Alvin. Mom has seen him numerous times since she returned from Abu Dhabi. She came in yesterday and asked me to come outside and look at something. I figured I had a ‘honey do’ project staring me in the face. But no, she pointed to a baby alligator lying on the grass between the lanai and the water. Maybe we have Alvina instead of Alvin. I am not changing my story line now, it would be too taxing.

Well folks, I guess it is about time for an ‘Alvin Alligator’ update. I have been holding off since nothing bad has happened to any of Alvin’s close relatives since the last report. As a matter of fact, my wife, Charlene has been in Abu Dhabi for 18 days caring for our daughter, Amanda, who had a planned surgery for this summer’s school break. The girl is doing fine, making a nice recovery and will be ready to teach those little Emirati boys English and math when school reconvenes. They must learn how to count their money before they grow up. The wife comes home Tuesday and will again be on the hunt for Alvin. He seems to be more responsive to her, probably because she doesn’t cuss him.

Since she left me here, alone, 18 days ago to fend for myself, I have not seen Alvin once. I heard a flop into the water one night about 10 days ago and suspect it was him but can’t verify that. If I see Young Alvin, I will tell him you asked how he was and I’m sure he will be delighted.

May I digress, please? Thank you!

You may or may not know that although alligators and crocodiles look quite similar, that is as far as it goes. They really are quite different. To be able to cross breed, two species must be in the same Genus, like the horse, donkey (ass) and zebra:

mare horse X jack ass = mule (which by the way are mostly sterile)

jenny ass X stud horse = hinny (Usually sterile)

horse X zebra = zorse (Usually sterile)

ass = donkey (fertile)

In addition to not being in the same Genus; the dudes are not even in the same Family. Therefore, they can’t produce an allodile or a crocogator. The only things that gators and crocs have in common are being Animals, Reptiles and are in the same Order (Crocodylia). That is all high cofluten terminology I had to learn on my way to earning a PhD in Entomology a long, long, long time ago at Oklahoma State. ‘Go Cowboys’.

And further more, alligators inhabit primarily fresh water and crocodiles go for salt and/or brackish water.

May I digress a little more, please? Thank you!

There are around 1 ½ million alligators in Florida, which is far too many in my opinion. They are doing so well that if one fouls up, like I have related previously, there is no relocation or rehabilitation program. He/she is reported to the NAT (Nuisance Alligator Trapper) and winds up as a pair of cowboy, cowgirl or cowkid boots in the Tony Lama showcase window in El Paso.

Now crocodiles are a horse with a different color. They are the ones with so many teeth, big too, that the lips don’t cover them all when the mouth is shut. Kind of reminds me of a college roommate’s girl friend. They have been on the endangered species list for years, since 1975 thanks to the environmentalists. There are presently only about 1500 crocs in the State, which seems like a few too many hundred to me. But that is only me. When one of those dudes/dudettes fouls up the State starts up the coddling program. That means the (CRA) Crocodile Response Agent is called and he will capture, scold and then relocate the scoundrel. The only way a croc winds up at Tony’s is if it becomes a carcass, unfortunately.

May I now regress? Thank you.

Recently one of Alvin’s distant relatives (as described above), ‘Cousin Crandall Crocodile’, caused a stink further downstate in the South Florida town of Key Largo. Crandall reportedly snatched a family pet dog, drowned it as they generally do and proceeded to eat it in front of the stunned pet owners. Locals chased ‘Cuz’ off and retrieved what was left of the canine carcass. As a result of Cousin Crandall’s behavior, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission found there was only one name on the CRA list in the South Florida Keys.  It has since placed employment ads around    for two to four CRA’s for the Keys.

The following is contained in the commission’s job description ad:

1). to handle human-crocodile conflicts; to include site visits, capture, translocation, carcass recovery and other duties as needed

2). experience is preferred but not necessary

3). learning to handle crocodiles is easy

4). training will be provided

5). part time position

6). $25.00 / hour

I say, ‘there may be good reasons why only one name appeared on the CRA list for the Keys’. But that’s only me thinking. Cousin Crandall Crocodile can take credit for creating two to four more jobs in Florida than Barack Obama.

I thought you might like to know what’s going on in the reptile world down here, even though Little Alvin had no direct connection.

May I digress again? Thank you!

A very distant Reptilian relative of Alvin’s, far removed ‘Cousin Pyeggy Python, of the Burmese variety, was recently captured and killed in the Florida Everglades. Pyeggy was 17’ 7” long, 12” in diameter and weighed 164.5 lbs. These non-native invasive creatures were probably originally illegal pets that were turned loose when they got big. No one knows how many reside in South Florida.

This girl set another record, also. An ovarbotomy was performed and 87 avocado sized eggs were found. Thank goodness the chain was broken before laying and hatching. As usual a stombotomy was performed and an abundance of feathers floated out. UF Ornithologists are attempting to key out the feathers to determine what species of bird was eaten. Like it really makes a huge difference. Get over it!

By the way, Tony flew into Orlando from El Paso and drove up to Gainesville in an attempt to purchase Pyeggy’s skin to take home and tan. He figured he could make at least 2, maybe 2 ½, pairs of boots / foot of skin. Needless to say , the absent minded professors at UF chose to mount and exhibit the beast in their museum. What a waste, but that’s just me.