Alvin Alligator update,

Do not fret, Alvin is fine, but I do have disheartening facts concerning three close relatives of his that made the local news since the last update. First I must give you some pertinent info concerning alligator handling in Florida.

The Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission does not remove dead or nuisance alligators and it is not legal to possess an alligator carcass or live animal unless you have the proper permit and alligator tags. The FWC contracts with a limited number of private individuals, “Nuisance Alligator Trappers,” to remove specific nuisance and dead alligators. Nuisance and dead  alligators may only be handled by contracted ‘Nuisance Alligator Trappers’.

When a nuisance alligator trapper removes an alligator, it becomes the property of the trapper. In most cases, the alligator is killed and processed for its hide and meat. Occasionally, a nuisance alligator is sold alive to an alligator farm, animal exhibit or zoo. Florida has a healthy and stable alligator population, about 1.3 million live in all 67 counties. The removal of nuisance alligators does not have a significant impact on the State’s alligator population. Nuisance alligator trappers work under contract with the FWC; they are not state employees. The sale of the alligator hide and meat is their primary compensation. This system results in tremendous savings to Florida’s taxpayers.

Alvin’s uncle, Albert Alligator, was reported living in a creek that runs  through Gainesville, the home of the University of Florida Gators, and along side of a homeless encampment. An unfortunate homeless dude decided to either take a bath or just go for a leisurely swim and lost a large chunk of meat out of his left shoulder. Another Homie found a concrete block and chucked it at Uncle Albert, striking him on the head, breaking the block in two and scaring poor  Albert off. Irregardless of fault, the ‘Nuisance Alligator Trapper” was called in and the sleek 9 footer can soon be viewed at Tony Lama’s Showroom in El Paso, TX as a couple of pair of fine cowboy boots.

Alvin’s Uncle Alonzo Alligator, who resided near Tampa, thought the water was bluer on the other side of I-275. In Alonzo’s first attempt to cross the freeway, he was clipped by a passing vehicle. He was barely hurt and retreated into the brushy roadside. After considerable self deliberation, Uncle Alonzo decided the bluer water on the other side of I-275 was desired. This time a 75 mph SUV left a 14 inch wide stripe across Alonzo’s back and the “Nuisance Trapper” was called to remove Uncle Alonzo. He was a handsome but gnarly 12 footer and will be seen soon at Tony’s in El Paso as several pairs of fine cowboy boots, even after the SUV stripe is cut out.

Aunt Alene Alligator, addressed at the Florida Everglades, was minding her own damned business when a boat loaded with tourists came by looking for alligators to take pictures of and ooh and aah over. Let it be known that it is illegal to feed the alligators in Florida but the tour boat guides have found that a piece of chicken can get good results for obtaining substantial tips at the conclusion of a great tour. Aunt Alene was in a good position to receive the chicken and in her exhuberance she nabbed the chicken and the guides right hand. Again a ‘Nuisance Trapper’ was called and set out to work. This time the Aunt of little Alvin was euthanized on the spot and the EMT ambulamce sped the carcass to the hospital with the handless guide and the ‘Nuisance Alligater Trapper’ who had the permit and tags. The hand of the guide was extracted after a stombotomy on Alene but it was subsequently deemed unsuitable for reattachment. The stomach bile human hand tenderizer produced by Aunt Alene had already gone to work. Alene, the svelte 7 footer can be seen soon at Tony’s in El Paso as a couple pairs of fine cowgirl boots.